You can't pour from an empty cup, take care of yourself first! I know you've been wondering Adreeahna, where the heck have you been? It feels weird writing my first blog in over a year. I thought about just jumping back into the swing of things and just saying nothing, but I figured I owed you all at least some bit of an explanation.
I took some time off, for me. You see, I am know for "Actually, I Can" inspiring and motivating others, but truth be told I was giving and giving of my self and I completely bottomed out. If I'm honest I used "Actually, I Can" as a cover up, I spent so much time focusing on everyone else that I was able to disregard my own healing process. I was so "busy" I had no time to self reflect, work on the hard stuff, and do my own work.
If I am transparent, this past year BROKE ME. It was the worst, best year ever. I bottomed out emotionally, physically, and mentally. When I looked in the mirror I didn't even recognize me anymore, I was so consumed in pain. Pain and hurt I cant even describe in words. I watched a love one attempt suicide, I suffered from depression in silence, I isolated myself from everyone and everything I knew, I was fired from my job, and I moved away to new state were I knew no one. (Wow, for the first time ever I just admitted I was depressed out loud) I was running; running from reality and pretending to be ok. The worst lie you can ever tell, is the lie you tell yourself. And boah was I lying to me, I told myself a new state is exactly what you need. But truthfully, regardless of where you go if you dont deal with your problems they will just follow you. I've always been the "strong" friend, the put together sister, the motivational speaker, I could not admit out loud I was suffering. How would people see me? Would they still respect me? Love me? Honor me? But was I honoring myself, truly loving all of me exactly where I was? I was hurting trying to find my place again in this world. I was not ok. It's a hard pill to swallow, when you silence your ego, and address your wounds. I had to let where I was; the ugly, the uncomfortable, the unfamiliar teach me. I wasnt ready for half the things I went though, but apparently I was built for it.
It's a proud moment when I can reflect on how wonderfully I've grown since August last year. I can celebrate that I am not the same person I was a year ago. I am evolving, some days I still hurt, but I am healing. Its raw, transparent, and fulling all at once. I have made it so much further than I ever though I would go. I am taking my time until I am me again.